The next morning found Bill rallying for a day in Mexico.

I went over to the next cabin to rouse Alex, Dondi, AK and Mike.

Morning also found Wayne in front of the Tower of Cash again, but this time the machine was open and Carnival employees were sorting out a problem.

Apparently Wayne had put in a $20 bill but the machine had only credited him a buck. This indignity would not stand!

While the technician was not amused, someone in the background clearly was:


While Wayne and Dondi were busy I found Mike contemplating one of life's most perplexing questions: If a giant-ass flag fell in a second-world country would anyone care?

As Mike and I wandered around looking for the rest of our crew we had to look closely to find them.

Bill and Brian!

Then we found Alex and his gay-cruise tank top and settled down for some Fun Ship Trivia.

But not before first giving some bachelor party smooches to Mike.

Not to be outdone by Brian's Jeopardy triumph the night before, the aforementioned Claire handed Mike his trophy after he spanked the rest of us in Fun Ship Trivia (much to the delight of Brian and Alex).

Of course, when half the damn answers come from science questions what do you expect. Bullshit.

Then it was time to hit la ciudad. I enjoyed the apparel of our motley crew that matched the personalities of each: Bill wore a t-shirt of some indie band that no one outside Sweden has ever heard of; Alex sported his "I'm not gay but I'm secure enough in my masculinity that I don't care if people think I am" tank top; Dondi in his nondescript wrestling shirt; Brian representing in his Buttnumbathon Thirteen-Wolf swag; Wayne and his Long Beach port o' call hat; and Mike with his "These muscles can crush your head like a grape" tank top.

We took a shuttle into town.

This is why you don't walk around Mexico. Hopefully this guy is going to save my head not decapitate it.

We shared the shuttle with a bachelorette party, a fact Dondi enjoyed.

I'm more of a soprano guy myself.

Our first purchase in Ensenada? A baby sombrero for the big guy.

To his credit, he wore it with unwavering dignity.

The street vendors knew they had some suckers in their midst and immediately descended upon us, attempting to sell us bracelets. Why would eight grown men want bracelets?

That's why.

Ha ha ha!

Dondi chose Mike's bracelet.

Viagra Man just met his replacement.

It's true, I do.

A true Lakers fan loves Kobe's dick.

Cum dumpster.

I better pay the fine because I don't want to become someone's sancha in a Mexican jail.

We found a bar/club to hang out in for a while and enjoyed fish tacos and beer.

And showed off our bracelets with pride.

True patriots.

We found another place to hang that had flat screens to watch the 2012 Champions League final.

And eat more fish tacos.

Cunty twat licker.

We were sitting ducks for roving street artists who just walked into the restaurant and performed for us.

It was like Mike was wearing a circa 1987 Lou Diamond Phillips backpack.

And we kept eating fish tacos.

This group of teenage breakdancers performed for us.

Was that the Electric Boogaloo?

They were well compensated; I think they cleared around $50 from us for ten minutes of work.

Then the mariachis rolled in.

The must play "La Bamba" for all gringos.


We continued to eat, drink, talk and watch the soccer game.

The mariachis kept playing.

They mixed it up with "Guadalajara".

Then the second mariachi group came in. You think all of Ensenada didn't know we were in town with our American dollars?

These guys were sharp-dressed mariachis.

Then a baby-armed photographer hit us up.

What does a picture look like from a baby-armed photographer?

A little dark and a bit blurry, that's what.

But did that give Bill the right to make fun of him?

Lo and behold, the bachelorette party we rode into town with sauntered in, with the girl of the hour wearing headgear similar to Mike.

Meanwhile, the mariachis just kept on playing.

Captain Chivalry bought roses for not only the bachelorette...

...but also her mother.

The bachelor approved.

Wayne made the acquaintance of a cunt.

Bill and Alex were locked into Bayern Munich versus Chelsea.

The passion and the pain.

The restaurant went wild when Didier Drogba, in front of Bayern's home crowd, beat Manuel Neuer with the final penalty kick, giving Chelsea its first Champions League title.

Wayne channeled Angelina Jolie and prepared to take a native boy back to the states.

This kid will forever remember the day Uncle Wayne visited Mexico.

Some of the guys went to Papas & Beer while Bill, AK and I went back to the boat.

Wayne went back to the Tower of Cash.

Which brought the crowds again.

Later Bill and Brian hooked up with the Carnival Fun Force Breakdancers, Mase Boogie and Miles McNasty.

Brian informed me that he found this sticker already stuck on the floor of Papas & Beer. Yeah, he had imbibed a bit in Ensenada.

Wayne invited Vanessa, the cruise's lounge singer, over for a drink while we played Michael Jackson song trivia.

While Bill is the resident music connoisseur...

...he was clearly frustrated by the song samples.

Then the peace was literally shattered when Wayne dropped his drink while playing, yes, you guessed it, Tower of Cash.

Elevator mirror photo op!

I heard a loud thud outside our cabin and I peeked out to see this. Stay classy, Carnival!

After changing for the formal dinner we stopped for pictures. Glasses on?

Or off?

Because when will I ever have another opportunity for spicy alligator fritters?

Alex was clearly excited by spicy alligator fritters.

Wayne took a shine to our Ukrainian basketball star-waitress.

Someone forgot to tell Mike that his impending marriage is a good thing.

There are no laws on International Waters.

But if there were we would have broken every one of them.

After dinner we ran into Vanessa again.

Suddenly a bachelorette party swooped in.

AK took a "bullet" for the team.

It was at this moment that I realized I was surrounded by soft serve amateurs.

Alex and I played some beanbag toss on deck.

Then it was time for some giant chess.

Dondi joined in.

The pieces were like 100 pounds each. Stud.

Dondi makes his move.

Mike was unimpressed.

Day Three