So Brian called about a gong show at the Village Theater in Westwood that people could submit homemade videos under three minutes. Although we had no time to make a new movie we had a couple of submission ideas. It wasn't until a couple of days before the gong show that Brian told me Outfest was hosting it. Sonuvabitch.




We hopped in the Jedi Bus and headed to the Land of the Powder Blue and Gold.




Wilshire Blvd, we love it!




Got the Jedi Bus tucked away for six bucks.




It made me laugh that the Village was also playing Hancock. (See, Outfest is a gay and lesbian film festival.)




Yes, Brian is about to be run over in the middle of Westwood Blvd.




Who do you think is the candidate of choice in Westwood?




''I'm Brian Day, bitch. ''




I don't know what to say.




Lord, give me strength.




I think I was trying to get the street sign behind me. Or maybe it was just a narcissistic moment.




Brian jaywalking.




We had dinner at Socko's Subs.




And dessert at Diddy Riese.




Ice cream sandwiches for $1.50 each (no tax). Mine was mint 'n' chip ice cream between double chocolate chip and white chocolate chip and macadamia nut cookies.




So we go back to the Village Theater about 40 minutes before show time only to discover that there was no Outfest show that night. Or any night, for that matter. Brian grabbed an L.A. Weekly and tried to figure out what happened.




Brian called the Outfest number (which, if I'm not mistaken, is Speed Dial 1 on his cell) and discovered that the gong show really was at the Village... that is, the Village Gay and Lesbian Center in Hollywood!




It took us 15 minutes to book back to the parking structure, pay the six bucks, and get on the road. We weren't even sure we would be able to submit our masterpieces.




We had 30 minutes to get from Westwood to Hollywood. On a Saturday night. In a 1971 Volkswagen Bus.




A red light in Beverly Hills afforded us a photo op.




As Wilshire Blvd turned into Santa Monica Blvd we knew we were on the right track.




Then a fire engine stopped in the middle of the street and blocked traffic. Fortunately it was just backing into the station. For a moment we thought the dream was dead.




20 minutes later (you read that correctly, 20 minutes) we rolled up to our destination. It wasn't difficult to spot.




I couldn't find any parking so I was forced to leave the bad boy a block over...




...and crossed my fingers hoping that it would be safe.




When I made my way back to the Village I noticed Brian looked comfortable, as though he belonged there.




Luckily he pointed out that there was specific parking for Village patrons.




After submitting the videos we headed in.




The Emcee.




The judges were celebrity impersonator: Paula Abdul, Paul Lynde (the center square on the old Hollywood Squares game show and Uncle Arthur from Bewitched) and Madonna.




The first submission was titled ''Two Liza'', as in Liza Minnelli. Welcome to Outfest.



Whatever the next video was the judges were unimpressed. ''Paul Lynde'' in action.



Then it was our turn. Wee decided to turn in our funniest video, the one where I scared the hell out of Brian in an Austin, Texas hotel room when we went to Harry Knowles' Butt-Numb-a-Thon. We titled it ''Brian Needs to Wipe Again'' and let it fly. Not only did no one laugh, there was (besides Brian's groans) dead silence. The judges were equally flabbergasted: Paula gave us a -1 (yes, that's a negative one), Madonna gave us a -3, and Paul gave us... wait for it... a skid mark! Now we know how we play outside Rosemead.



But wait, that's not all. We submitted a total of two videos. Since Mike Tellez couldn't be with us, we brought the next best thing: the video of him dressed as a cowboy riding a horse singing ''Mama, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys'' from the 2006 Rosemead High School Gong Show Video. This got a much better reception than our video. Unfortunately my memory card ran out of space so I couldn't record Mike's seven points awarded by the judges. It was, after all, Outfest.




After clearing some space on my digicam I was ready to continue. The Emcee guy showed an animated video with Paris Hilton, Lindsey Lohan, and Britney Spears. It was pretty funny.




In order to understand why Brian is cowering in his seat I must first warn you about the following video. It is called Meat Ass. YouTube may not let it stay up if anyone there sees it. If that's not enough to dissuade you from watching let me add that it is singularly the most disturbing thing I have ever seen. Keep in mind that I have seen all the Faces of Death movies and I now hold this opinion. Consider yourself warned.




Gentleman and germs, I present Meat Ass.




The video got a standing ovation. That's how they roll at Outfest.