We hopped in the Prius with Mike smiling the smile of man who has no idea what we have in store for him.
Let's go bowling!
Mike was glad he didn't get the Krusty the Clown bowling shoes.
I was first up.
Check out the form.
And the results.
YouTube has proof of my shame in high def.
Still, check out the speed.
Brian tells Mike, "Watch and learn."
Poetry in motion.
Check out the actual motion.
"Sugar" takes his turn.
Bringin' the pain.
Look at that form. Now you know why he's called Sugar.
The final tally. (Would someone explain to me how Conan the Barbarian only mustered 14.3 mph.)
After Brian killed us on the bowling lanes we hit the freeway lanes and headed West.
Brian didn't know exactly where our second stop was located so Mike busted out his new Blackberry.
Since it was a secret Brian had to do a search on Mike's phone. The fancy 2008 technology frustrated him.
We eventually made it to Hamburger Mary's in West Hollywood.
A few months ago I had Ostrich tacos, so it was natural progression to a buffalo burger.
Mike found some reading material while waiting for his food.
Mike had the Proud Mary, one pound of burger.
Ten seconds later. Yes, Mike loves meat.
My buffalo burger, however, began to stampede, so I headed to the restroom. This was, of course, Hamburger Mary's, so...
If you look closely, the handle on Brian's enormous beer was a flexing arm -- clenched fist at the top, bulging bicep at the bottom. Brian drank two.
Now for the reason we brought Mike to Hamburger Mary's. Brian read that the Bingo games were run by drag queens, and that these dudes that look like ladies would paddle a birthday boy. Sadly, we only had some D actress who was constantly pushing some stage show she was in.
Though let's be honest, other than the fact that we never got to see Mike Tellez spanked by some guy in drag, this chick was nice eye candy.
Let the games begin.
When someone won a game they were required to run around the restaurant while being pelted by the crowd's crumpled up game cards.
Then the winner was given a gift bag, one of which included a handmade quilt of a cat by Phyllis Diller!?! Welcome to West Hollywood.
The tension mounts.
Then it happened. Brian won.
Unfortunately, three other people also won.
So each chose a bingo ball and the highest number won the gift bag. The look on this chick's face reminds me of the famous look Sophia Loren gave Jayne Mansfield's boobs.
Brian had number 39.
Brian received a phallic glow stick as a consolation prize. Oh, and check the neon sign in the background. Let's all say it together -- West Hollywood, baby!
After the game Brian got a picture with the hot chick (yes, we checked for an Adam's apple). This brought the second disappointment of the night: Marcia Strassman was there (you know, Mr. Kotter's wife) and we failed to get a picture with her. Losers.
It was time to pay the bill (which was delivered in a sparkling red high heel) and head to our final stop...
...the Arclight, where Mike tried to squeeze the Hamburger Mary's right out of Brian.
We caught a 10:40 showing of There Will Be Blood, a 2 1/2 hour epic that was pretty damn good. But for our final disappointment: Who did we see standing next to us in line with his friends but Michael Cera from Juno and Superbad . So I asked for a picture with him and he responded, "No, I'm embarrassed" then he walked away. What the hell! I spend my hard-earned money on his movies and he fails to show respect to his fans. Whatever. Happy birthday, Mike.