Brian and I went to Jimmy Kimmel Live and were asked to be on the show the next night. I was going to act out the Paris Hilton sex tape with some blond. If Bob Guiney, "The Bachelor", decided not to play along with the skit Brian was going to play the part of Bob the Bachelor, offering Paris a rose, thus stealing my girl. This whole thing was to be directed by Jon Favreau of Swingers and Elf fame. Well, Bob Guiney turned out to be up for it so Brian was relegated to the audience. Sorry, dude, but Fame is a cruel mistress.
          Unfortunately, cameras were not allowed in the studio audience but I do have it on tape (though that doesn't help in this instance). Not only did I make my acting debut on national television, but I made $600 after taxes. Money, baby!
          We had some time to kill before reporting in so we cruised along Hollywood Blvd. looking for trouble.

Our parody of the J-Lo poster behind us. Difficult when you're taking your own picture.

A second attempt. MAD TV here we come.

Brian battles it out with Zorro, the Gay Blade, in front of Grauman's Chinese. Check out the sweet shot of Brian getting shanked.
Of course, if you're Zorro and you lose to an English teacher I imagine the "Z" becomes an "P" (for pussy!).

Hangin' with the Little Tramp inside the Roosevelt Hotel.

We go way back.

Inside the Jimmy Kimmel studios we discovered this door. Next thing we knew we found ourselves on the roadside on the outskirts of town. Go figure.

My first ever script, directed by Jon Favreau no less. Money, baby!

My co-star, Mariah Wolfe, memorizing her lines. You can't make that name up (oh wait, yes you can). Talk about cliche: This girl had come to Hollywood from Mississippi less than a week ago to become a star and she ends up on national television. It's sad when you peak as an actress on Jimmy Kimmel Live... and your co-star is a high school English teacher. Sucks to be her.

Brian tried to resist the temptation of the peasant food; the good stuff awaited us in the Green Room.

Chillin' with Jimmy's Uncle Frank.

Working out the kinks.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rick Solomon and Paris Hilton.

Brian with Brad Arnold, the lead singer and drummer of 3 Doors Down. Seriously, the dude was into Brian or something because he talked his ear off, even after Brian made several attempts to end the conversation.

It turns out that Mariah grew up just a couple of miles from 3 Doors Down in Mississippi. It's a small hick world.

A flashless shot of us with "The Bachelor" Bob Guiney. He turned out to be a cool guy.

Get this: The video games were free in the Green Room. Is this a great country. or what? USA! USA!

Here's the video of the night. (Have I ever mentioned I hate Kathy Griffin?)

Mariah Wolfe e-mailed me on June 30, 2008 to let me know she found my website, and she requested a copy of the video. She has evidently given up acting and is back in Mississippi starting a family. Congratulations escaping the web of Hollywood, Mariah.