So Brian and I decided to help Bill celebrate his 34rd birthday. We called this "Treat Bill Self" day. This was inspired by the Parks and Recreation episode where Tom and Donna have an annual "Treat Yo' Self" spa and shopping day.

Treat yo' self!

As the day began Bill was given shotgun in the Prius for the whole day. Treat Bill self!

Pardon the digression, but I still think it's bullshit that the carpool lanes on the 10 were converted to toll lanes.

On the bright side, the morning crush allowed us to get a close-up view of this lady's stylin' venetian blinds.

Treat yo' self, lady!

First stop, Eldred Street...

...the steepest street in Los Angeles.

The 33 degree grade was so tough...

...we actually walked up backward for a minute to spread the pain out to other muscles.

Brian's struggles with the incline were never more apparent...

...than this moment.

Eldred Street 1, Brian Day 0.

View from the top with the March morning haze enveloping L.A.

At the top of the hill was a staircase.

Let's do this!

Brian knew when he had met his match.

That tiny dark speck at the bottom of the stairs? That's Brian.

This is the end, Brian's only friend, the end. (Apologies to Jim Morrison.)

On the way back to the car we stopped to help a family load a refridgerator into their van.

Treat somebody else self!

Then to Fred62 for a well-earned beakfast, vegan in the case of Bill.

I ordered food then hit the restroom, taking a moment to appreciate the doorknob.

While I was gone Brian kindly "flavored" my water.

A giant drink later I felt like I was swimming in the ocean. And it was totally my fault.

Brian brought a candle with us which I secretly passed to the waiter for Bill's food.

Bill's best work usually looks like this.

Delicious breakfast.

On the way back to the car Bill got in some Leo smooches...

...while Brian motorboated Mia Wallace.

Then we headed into the hills of Los Feliz.

Winding up the narrow road.

To the Ennis House.

Better know to movie buffs as:

Deckard's house in Blade Runner!

Screenshot from the film with Sean Young.

Screenshot from the film with Harrison Ford.

The home was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright for Charles and Mabel Ennis in 1923 and was built in 1924.

The design is based on ancient Mayan temples. The Ennis House is sometimes referred to as an example of the Mayan Revival architecture. Its prominent detail is the relief ornamentation on its textile blocks, inspired by the symmetrical reliefs of Mayan buildings in Uxmal.

The house is currently being renovated to stop the ravages of time.

Then we headed to Echo Park for some real fun.

First we had to park in the strangest of lots. It was an honor system.

Put three bucks in an envelope on which you had written your space number, then put said envelope in a locked box.

We then walked under the 10 freeway, which was also gang territory.

Headhunters, come out to play-i-ay!

It was time for Bob Baker's marionettes.

Happy birthday, Bill.

The City of Los Angeles approves of this place.

There are two seating options: The metal folding chairs or the rug in front of the metal folding chairs. Front row, baby!

Insert Gepetto/NSync joke here.

The place was cool and creepy.

Enjoy the show...

The couple.

The advantages of front row.

This guy.

Just monkeying around.

This fellow decided to hang out with us.

He introduced himself to me.

Then said hello to Rick.

Then made his way over to Bill.

But the little guy found someone to his liking.

Brian made a friend.


Bill concurs.

Happy birthday... Bill!

The best part? Old school ice cream cups were served at the end of the show.

But how do we treat-Bill-self when he's dairy-free?

We buy him a sweet marionette and a poster!

From there we parked in a structure in Downtown L.A.

We came out at the Los Angeles Mall.

There is a cool view of City Hall looming over the mall.

Plus a trippy fountain.

Then we headed to the corner of Temple and Main for a stop at one of L.A.'s ugliest examples of architecture: the Triforium.

Bill is dwarfed by the immensity of its aesthetic offensiveness.

Then, as we croosed the street, we ran into Brian's wife, Michelle, on her work lunchbreak. Someone's got to make the money for the Day family....

Then we headed to City Hall.

Rick was visibly excited.


Going up.

Bill said hello to the most propular mayor in this city's history.

Tom Bradley.

"Friends, Angelenos, countrymen, lend me your ears..."

Brian practiced his political spin.

Downtown L.A. from the viewing deck.

A helipad.


This is the city. Los Angeles, California.

The Walt Disney Concert Hall by Frank Gehry amid the surrounding bland buildings.

The Los Angeles Mall Civic Center complex.

Facebook posting in progress.

The San Gabriel Mountains in the background.

Another view of the Triforium.


And then I found it:

The portal into John Malkovich's head.

Then we tried to get a photo op with Mayor Eric Garcetti but the cop guarding his office informed us he was in Mexico on city business.

But the lady at the help desk told us the mayor was at lunch. Someone's lying. George Orwell was right.

Look, ma, no hands. City Hall: the place where time doesn't exist.

Then we headed over to Hollywood to meet Edgar Martirosyan, the pizza guy Ellen brought out during the Academy Awards, but he wasn't there.

Apparently he bought into the hype and has turned his back on his fans. Another innocent chewed up by the fame machine.

Since we couldn't beat 'em, we joined 'em, and headed to the Hollywood and Highland center.

They already had the marquee up for 12 Years a Slave, 2013 Best Picture.

We decided to hit up Sweet!

This was a decidedly different type of candy shop.

Yes, there toilets are in the store, but this is not the restroom.

This is an interesting way to sell chocolate.

Bill might have a problem with their sales style here.

Not me.

Seriously, this is all in the store.

Eminem made from M&Ms. I see what you did there.

While perusing the vastness of the store we happened upon these bookselves filled with Ghirardhelli chocolate. Bill was commenting on how cool it would be if the shelves opened up to a hidden trove of candy when, lo and behold, the shelf actually swung open and this lady walked out from behind the wall. True story.

"He's a sailor, he's in New York; we get this guy laid, we won't have any trouble!" Except that we're in HollywoodÉ RUN, BILL, RUN!

I could see Hollywood Blvd. through the store's window. We were going to take a tour of the Chinese Theater but because of this movie premiere they shut down the street and cancelled all tours. Let's hope at least that it is going to be an cool movie...

Really? I missed out on a behind-the-scenes look at the Chinese because of Need for Speed? Screw you, Aaron Paul!

An outhouse in the store? Yep, in case you eat too much chocolate.

Whirly Pops!

I love the Art Deco columns displaying the names of past recipients of the Academy Award for Best Picture.

Wings was the first Oscar winner.

While walking down Hollywood Blvd. we were hit up by a tour guide named Freddy Spagetti. No, I didn't spell his nickname incorrectly...

...that's his writing. And what kind of deal did Freddy Spagetti cut us? Not the $60 that Joe Shmoe pays. How about $25? Nope, not for us.We got the $20 special! We would be fools to walk away from this.

It turned out Freddy Spegetti (and Brian) was the one to walk away as we ducked into a store as they continued down the street. Sorry, Brian.

We caught up with Brian at the Rusty Mullet.


Stay classy, Hollywood.



For years I've seen the Scientologists on Hollywood Blvd. and wondered what the Theta they were doing. So I finally decided to find out by taking a "stress test". Was I about to be "cleared"?

The girl handed me the E-Meters and began to ask me questions about things in my life that created stress. When the needle on the machine hardly moved she bagan to focus her questions. I thought to myself, "She really wants me to feel stressed." I would soon discover why.

While she was asking me questions a breeze blew some papers off the table, including this card that Brian picked up. As soon as he saw it he quickly put it in his pocket. I scanned both sides. This is the front.

This is the back. Yep, it's a scam. Anything to make a buck. I'm surprised they weren't selling DVD copies of Battlefield Earth out there.

After escaping with my soul we headed to the Hollywood Museum.

The icon.

The museum is in the former Max Factor building.

I'm ready for my close-up.

The Lucille Ball room.

I Love Lucy is on 24/7.

An actual pair of the ruby slippers.

Marilyn Monroe's make-up room.

One of the coolest autograph collections ever.


Even cooler.

Dr. Strangelove, I presume?

This is a piece from the original Hollywoodland sign.

Tinseltown history.

The costume room included Joan's outfit from Mad Men.

Brian and I are both big fans of Joan.

Don Draper's lunch.

The tragedy of Hollywood is also here.

Elvira and her Movie Macabre was in full effect.

An original Superman suit that Christopher Reeve wore is here.

Yo, Adrian!

Brian's a loner, Dottie, a rebel.

This how it used to be done.

The creepiest death masks ever.

But also the coolest.

I want my mummy.

Worst exhibit ever: The shower scene from Psycho running on a loop in front of a foreign movie poster.

Um, I'll pass on the blood-stained padded room, thank you.

All my childhood friends in one place.

Multiple Miggs can smell Brian.

On our way out Bill signed the guest book for Brian.

The best part was that he failed to notice that I had signed it for Bill earlier.

John Ritter on a wall of Hollywood High School.

I was gonna drive without recording us singing Afroman... but then I got high.

Because this was Treat Bill Self, all our food stops were vegan place. For lunch we hit DoomieÕs in Hollywood where Bill had the bbq brisket sandwich. Yep, vegan bbq brisket.

Brian followed suit while Rick enjoyed a pattie melt.

I, however, enjoyed the Big Mac.

This thing was dee-licious! Eat your cholesterol-laden heart out, Ray Kroc!

Brian informed the waitress it was Bill's birthday...

...deep-fried oreos for the everyone!

Yes, even vegans can get clogged arteries.

After we headed out someone remembered it was Michelle Ban's birthday, so we FaceTimed her:

Treat yo self, Michelle!

We chose the fancy parking structure in Downtown L.A....

...on our visit to The Last Bookstore.

This place is half bookstore, half art museum.

My point.

The main desk is built from books.

The store is housed in what was once the Crocker-Citizens National Bank Building.

The place has a Hogwarts vibe to it.

Rick explored the tunnel of knowledge.

The second floor was even cooler:

Looking for a particular cover color?

This place can take care of you.


Now you see them... you don't.

Make books not war.

The vault of horrors.

From above.

"They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway." Well, it's true with the Palace Theater.

And the old Los Angeles Theater.

The same goes for the Tower Theater.

At first I was saddened that the old Rialto on Broadway had been converted to an Urban Outfitters...

...but then I noticed they were projecting on the original brick wall in the rear. According to one of the employees, the store hosts screenings of classic films on select nights.

Then we headed to the new Ace Hotel that was once the United Artists Building on Broadway.

There was a clear sight of the Staples Center from the rooftop bar.

Downtown Los Angeles is much prettier at night.

Though not as much as this pretty piece of flesh.

I was disappointed that the Orpheum was dark this night.

Then I spotted Zoltar and made a "little" wish.

Now all I need is a 10-year-old Elizabeth Perkins....

We headed back to Hollywood Blvd. to the iO West Theater for some comedy.

Why the proud look on Bill's face?

Dude unlocked a badge after buying a beer. Treat Bill Self, indeed!

Let the improv begin.


Master thespians.

Well, thespians.

Then to West Hollywood and Hamburger Mary's...

...because we were feeling fabulous!

Yeah we were!

Why the look of disbelief on Rick's face?

Bill's second unlocked beer badge in as many hours.

Allow me to introduce you to the decidedly-delicious Macho Mary Nachos.

Allow me to introduce to you our decidedly-delicious drag queen host.

S/he wished Bill a happy birthday.

Then it was time for some drag queens to bring it home!

As the dollars piled up you knew this was a great crowd.





Our hostess with the mostess.



Sasha Fierce.

It's always a great night at Hamburger Mary's.

To the Arclight for a midnight showing of...

...Wes Anderson's The Grand Budapest Hotel.

The Arclight lobby.

Killing time with maturity.

Toilet humor.

18 hours of Treating Bill Self will shave some years off a man's life span... but it's totally worth it.