After another day of enlightening the Rosemead masses Brian and I decided to catch a flick before heading out to L.A. to meet up with Mike Tellez and Tim Mosa. We headed to the Alhambra Renaissance to see George Clooney in Michael Clayton. It was a superb movie. Afterwards I called Tim and found he was already at the joint. Then I called Mike and he was in Rosemead so we decided to wait for with him in the Alhambra Courthouse parking lot. Then we headed to meet up with Timosa.
On the drive I received several texts from Tim. The first was a picture of this Honda Del Sol that was tricked out to look like an X-Wing. The funny thing is that Brian and I actually stood next to this car when it was parked in front of the Arclight for the premier of Revenge of the Sith.
Tim busted out his knowledge of the world of Star Wars.
We weren't sure what to make of Tim's directions when the predominant landmark was a blue dumpster.
Well, it is, after all, downtown L.A.
We were in a sketchy part of Downtown (a redundant phrase, I know) and Brian was trusting the Minivan of Magic to some dude in an underground parking lot.
As we were looking for a way up into the hotel I received another text from Tim. Streeter and Anil are an allusion to a couple of guys from College Humor who have a prank war with each other.
We finally found the 100 year-old elevator...
...in which Mike tried his hardest to kill us.
After finding Tim we decided to get our grub on.
The Alexandria Hotel is known best for being the home of Charlie Chaplin.
We wandered over to Weenerz across the street.
The place was part restaurant, part museum.
Tim found a Point Break Live flyer.
Mike readied himself for a foot-long experience. Oh, and he also prepared to eat his food.
Adam 12 gave us a little comfort.
"That's, ahh... that's a surfboard all right! Looks like a '57 Chevy I used to have." (Yes, all the following quotes are from Point Break).
At the door they sold utility bags for a buck each. What was in them?
Ponchos. This did not bode well for a guy who just wants to enjoy the show (and his first of three beers). "Little hand says it's time to rock and roll."
The most unique aspect of this show is that the crowd votes for an audience member to play the role of Johnny Utah. Brian gave me a lot of crap for not auditioning for the role, but do you see him in the line-up? Me neither.
Wait, Brian? (Just kidding, Brian.)
When the play began there was a chick that flashed cue cards for Agent Utah.
Then the ex-presidents robbed the joint. "Reagan usually does the driving. Stolen switch car. They leave it running... on the curb. It looks parked from the distance. When they run they dump the vehicle and they vanish... like a virgin on prom night. I mean they vanish, swishh... "
Reagan forced Brian to actually get to the floor while the robbery was in progress.
"This is our tactic, is we strike fear. Once you get them peeing down their leg, they submit. Also about fear, fear causes hesitation, and hesitation causes your worst fears to come true."
Tricky Dick got into the action. "100% pure adrenaline!"
Diving Instructor: Heads up, Pappas. I want to see you retrieve at least two bricks.
Pappas: [puts on blindfold] I've been on the job for over 20 years, and I fail to see what fishing bricks from the bottom of a pool has got to do with bank robbery. And on top of that, they got me babysitting some quarterback punk, named Johnny Unitas or something.
Johnny Utah: The shit they pull, huh?
Diving Instructor: Pappas... meet your new partner.
Pappas: What? [removes blindfold]
Johnny Utah: [waves]
Pappas: Pappas. Angelo Pappas.
Johnny Utah: Punk. Quarterback Punk.
When Johnny Utah was learning to surf the cue card chick kept tackling him so he would wipe out. "You're sayin' the FBI's gonna pay me to learn to surf?"
Then we met Bodhi. "If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love."
"Surfing's the source man... swear to God."
"I caught my first tube today... Sir." (Cue the water splashing at the crowd.)
But Tim and I were prepared.
Brian had to take off his poncho because the dollars were sticking to sweat.
"Listen you snot-nose little shit, I was takin' shrapnel in Khe Sanh when you were crappin' in your hands and rubbin' it on your face."
Bodhi forced Johnny Utah to skydive in order to same his girlfriend, Tyler. "You gonna jump or jerk off?"
"Ain't it wild? That's what makes it so interesting. You can do what you want, and make up your own rules. Why be a servant to the law, when you can be it's master?"
They all crashed to Earth. "Goddamn! You are one radical son of a bitch! "
Pappas: Let me tell you something, Harp. I was in this bureau while you were still popping zits on your funny face and jacking off to the lingerie section of the Sears catalog. But there's something I've learned in all my years...
Ben Harp: Why don't you astonish me, shitbrains.
Pappas: [Pappas punches Harp] Respect for my elders!
Pappas gets blasted in a shootout with the ex-presidents.
The cue card chick also doubled as the stuntman, so when Bodhi and Johnny fought in the surf (hence the baby pool) she jumped in. "I hate this Johnny. I really do. I hate violence."
Bodhi bitch slaps Johnny Utah. "I know Johnny. I know you want me so bad it's like acid in your mouth. But, not this time."
Meanwhile, Bodhi's brahs were nailing the cast and audience with supersoakers. "Welcome to Sea World, Kid."
"I've been to every city in Mexico. I came across an unclaimed piece of meat in Baja, turned out to be Rosie. I guessed he picked a knife fight with somebody better. Found one of your passports to Sumatra. I missed you by about a week at Fiji. But, I knew you wouldn't miss the fifty year storm, Bodhi."
A close-up of Johnny Utah's crotch. "You're a real blue flame special, aren't you, son? Young, dumb and full of cum, I know."
Well, at least he was getting it in the face. "This was never about the money, this was about us against the system. That system that kills the human spirit. We stand for something. We are here to show those guys that are inching their way on the freeways in their metal coffins that the human sprit is still alive. "
After the show Brian found a cue card.
Tim then discovered his own.
Brian and Tim found "Pappas".
After three (very large) beers Brian began stalking the cue card girl.
Three Beer Brian found the whole cast.
Brian found "Johnny Utah" and got a picture of him, who, it turned out, was an improv actor from Chicago.
We even got a picture with "Tyler", Johnny Utah's girlfriend. Why didn't she show up in any of the previous pictures? Her lack of tight red short shorts should answer that.
By 10 p.m. we had exhausted photos with cast members so headed back to the car.
Walking down Spring Street we passed a couple of black guys smoking cigarettes and Mike goes, "Isn't that Garrett Morris." And damned if it wasn't.
Turns out Garrett Morris runs a comedy club in downtown L.A. so we checked it out. If you check the Alexandria Hotel link from above you can see a picture of this room from the 1920s.
We sat down we quickly realized a few things: 1. The term "club" was used loosely (check the cardboard background); 2. We were the only white people there for a spell (except for the white girl and her black boyfriend); and 3. The term "comedy" was used loosely (the show included a lesbian who discussed being both molested and raped, leaving a stunned and squirming audience).
This guy saw white people in the audience and made a couple of jokes about how we better not use the N word.
The next comedian asked if it was anyone's birthday. Brian, Mike, and I all immediately pointed to Tim who initially tried to alternately point to one of us and deny the fact before simply resigning himself to being the sucker.
Tim was a good sport.
But two minutes later Tim suddenly stood up and called it a night. Just like that, he was gone. Happy birthday, my friend.
During the show Brian left to use the restroom. He later told us that when he found the facilities (down a dark stairway to a room that not only didn't have toilet paper, but didn't even have toilet paper dispensers) Garrett Morris also came in to relieve himself. While the comedian was peeing at the urinal he let out an audible fart. Brian, himself still peeing, goes, "Uh oh!" to which Garrett Morris replied, "Uh oh!" Then they both laughed. So after this bonding moment they both came back upstairs and as they headed back to the comedy club Brian saw the comic Paul Mooney standing by the door with a small group of other black dudes. Brian asks Garrett Morris, "Isn't that Paul Mooney?" Garret Morris says, "Who?" Brian repeats, "Paul Mooney." Garrett Morris replies, "Oh yeah." So Garret Morris walks up to the group and says, "Hey Paul Mooney, I want you to meet my friend." It was at that moment that Brian realized the guy he thought was Paul Mooney was much younger than he initially thought, thus could obviously not be the comedian. He also realized Garrett Morris was mocking him, purposely introducing Brian, a guy he had just met in the Alexandria Hotel restroom and shared some flatulence with, making Brian look like just another white guy who thinks all black people look alike. The moral of the story: Keep Three Beer Brian away from black people.
After the show we again found ourselves on Spring Street where we encountered an early Halloween reveler (or just some crazy chick out on a Friday Night). Props to the grungy cyclist who snuck into the shot.
By the time we made it to the parking garage, it was locked. First Brian tried the forceful tactic.
Then he resorted to finesse. Suffice it to say, neither worked. We may have been destined to roam Downtown until dawn.
Guess who saved the day? Garrett Morris bin veddy veddy good to us.
Dude personally asked security to open up the gates.
It was some time after 11:00 by this time, and Mike was ready to go back to his truck. We weren't ready to take him. Heading up Atlantic Blvd in Alhambra I saw a van with a an interesting bumper sticker.
Almost within reading distance.
WTF? As we were following the van Three Beer Brian kept yelling out the window, "I Love Atotonilco!" Even when we stopped at red lights he yelled out the window, "I Love Atotonilco!" Finally he says, "I wonder what 'Atotonilco' means." Without missing a beat Mike pipes in from the back seat, "Balls." Classic.
What was so important that Mike couldn't go home? Twohey's, of course.
The manager took a picture of us in front of the creepy Dolly Wall (or Dhaliwal for Rosemead High School staff).
We each enjoyed delicious hot fudge sundaes. (Mike and I opted for the dark chocolate while Brian went for the traditional semisweet.) We also joked with Alex, our high school-age waiter, who really seemed to enjoy our humor. The bill for our foray of decadence came to $18.03. I started out the night with a twenty spot; after paying the Garrett Morris Downtown Comedy Club $10 entrance fee for me and Mike, I was broke. Mike threw a ten-dollar bill across the table for himself, but that still left eight bucks plus tip unaccounted for. When Alex came to collect payment, Three Beer Brian says to him, "Alex, I've got $18.03 for the Twohey's Corporation, or..." as he slipped the ten dollar bill across the table towards him "I've for 10 bucks for you." As Mike and I were laughing at Brian screwing with the kid, he stood there for a moment in quiet contemplation, then grabbed the money and said, "Cool. Have a good night." As our jaws dropped to the floor the dude gave us a thumbs up and walked into the kitchen. We quickly got the hell out of there, still a bit stunned.
We made a beeline for the minivan that I had parked directly in front of the entrance. I had Brian and Mike stop for a picture, telling them to both flash five to symbolize the ten bucks we just spent. Mike's face is classic when you remember it was his ten bucks. Oh, and Brian was telling me to keep my voice down, pointing behind me. When I turned, I saw the manager (the guy who took our picture in front of the Dolly Wall) standing there smoking a cigarette. D'oh!
We finally dropped Mike off a little past Midnight.
My car was still at the high school and Mike's route home took him the same way. The big guy then tried to out-race the Death Proof Minivan down Mission Drive. Brutha, please.
At the corner of Rosemead and Mission (you can see the U-Haul place in the background) we got caught at the red light. There was already a car in the right hand lane that Mike was in. As we sat at the verrryy long light the Asian lady in the car wouldn't turn. So, in the lane to her left, I honked at her as Brian yelled out the window, "Move!" She just looked at us and turned her head away. Finally, after both Mike and I had honked at her for over a minute, Brian got out of the minivan and literally tried to push the car. Finally the light changed and the lady sloooowly made her right hand turn onto Rosemead Blvd. Unfortunately, another car made a left hand turn coming the other way from Mission to Rosemead and nearly hit the Asian lady, honking its horn all the way.
We continued on Mission, laughing so hysterically that I had to pull over just a few yards past In'N'Out. Just as we pulled to the side my phone rang, and it was Mike, also laughing so hard he had to pull over. This is a picture of Brian in mid-hysterics, handing me back my phone because he couldn't breathe.
He was begging me to stop taking pictures (hence the cross) because he couldn't stop laughing.
We finally made it to my car where he took over the con. I followed him home and another adventure was in the books.